How to Build a Broken Heart (one cell at a time)
By Amy Moloney
Cell one:
Meet someone, feel a spark.
Marinate that spark in spine tingles and validation that someone noticed you.
Cell two:
Send a picture of Dick Van Dyke to set dick pic parameters early in the courtship.
Cell three:
Be charming and funny.
But mostly funny.
Cell four:
Remain terrified.
Cell five:
Hide any real feelings behind humor.
Cell six;
Vaguely lay out your relationship goals that you barely understand yourself.
Cell seven:
Pretend to be a functioning adult.
Cry every time you pay a bill.
Cell eight:
Never reveal the depth of your feelings of intense LIKE and that you actually do want LOVE.
Cell nine:
Passive-aggressively tell him you love him with silence and sexual innuendo.
Cell ten:
Beg him to make the first move.
With mental telepathy.
Cell eleven:
Remain terrified.
Cell twelve:
Accept all promises about the future as fact.
Make plans he has no idea you made.
Cell thirteen:
Give him enough space to forget you have feelings.
Cell fourteen:
Be friends. Talk every day.
Be persistent so he can be appropriately put off.
Cell fifteen:
Feel your heart being squished like a bug as he tells you he met someone that is not you.
Cell sixteen:
Secretly think about Voodoo.
Light candles anyway.
Cell seventeen:
Rage when every well meaning person tells you that you’re awesome and deserve the best
as if you didn’t already feel the best slipping away.
Cell eighteen:
Make thinly veiled art that shows how broken hearted you really are.
Pretend to be fine.
Cell nineteen:
Remain terrified.
Cell twenty:
Pretend you are a ferocious, wild beast and nothing can penetrate your solid steel heart.
Cell twenty one:
Friend zone that asshole.
Let go. Don’t let go. Let go. Don’t let go.
Cell twenty two:
Get over it by being amazing.
The best he’s never had.
Cell twenty three:
You are too much woman for a weak man to love.
Fuck that guy anyway.
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